I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
