paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
