so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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