We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
