grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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