Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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