Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
