But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
