If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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