Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
