matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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