awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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