I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
