Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
