Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
MIDGETS
????
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
