Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
If I had your ass I would rule the world
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
