When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I didn't notice because vodka
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
