I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
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