Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
