i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
