I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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