Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
