Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Found the puke drawer
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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