I looked at my own cervix.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
We left an ass print on the piano.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
