Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
