A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
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