They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
i need some magic done to my vagina
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
