I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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