Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Randomize
