Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
