if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
did i walk over a car last night?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
