I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
