ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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