Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
what is it with giant penises always finding me
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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