I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
