You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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