capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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