I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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