Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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