? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
His hands were made for my vagina.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
