I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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