Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
So squirting runs in the family.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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