I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i came on her dog
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
