I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
