So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
