I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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