Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
