omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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