Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
