his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
