just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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