It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I feel like death gave me a hand job
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
